Don't speak. Let me in.

(~*~ That's so Raven ~*~}
{2003-02-16} {9:07 a.m.}

My horoscope for the day ...
Your hunches will be proven right under the Full Moon energy you experience tonight. Look to see just how many commitments those around you live up to. Keeping score in a detailed manner reveals your ability to judge a person's character....hmmmmm. I can't imagine to whom this specifically applies to **wonders**
Anyways, let me tell you about the last 2 days (yes, yes Besides doing laundry)
Well, hmm let's see I had to go over that woman's house to do my laundry and well let's just say it wasn't very evenful. I made her cry again last night wooo!
Well, She came over yesterday about noon, or so and helped me for a bit with cleaning and what not..that was strange...I haven't talked to the woman in months! And she just pops up out of nowhere...hmmm..???
She wants something, I'm sure of it. I can't trust her no further than I can throw her
We get to her place and I started my laundry..AGAIN :( there's just sooo much of it..it seems like when the kids wear one outfit it clones into three more of the same thing. I bet will have done 30 loads by the time I'm done. I think I have more clothes than a department store
All I need is a "come rent me" sign on my front door..lmao
Anyways back to Lois..
I was sitting there in her family room watching tv.. and I just don't watch tv anymore..everything on it depresses me..
And she innitates a converstaion between us lol (Biggg mistakey)
She starts talking about me and drama again and I was like whoa! Hold up. You don't even wanna go there. And she said, "Why not?"and I said "Were you born stupid, or did you just recently evolve into a dumb ass? I do not want to talk to you about anything from the past. Let it go, cuz if you don't I will go off on you" And, she continues with her "You and Roma" merathon and I was getting pissier and pissier, and eventually I snapped. (I gave her ample warning mind you) So I plowed into her like no tomorrow. I made her cry so bad, but inside something wouldn't let up and I just kept going and going and going (like the Eveready bunny) Until she was virtually shaking. Then I felt bad.. but,still I didn't care. For the first time in my life since I had knwon her I let her know how it felt to be brought down and feel like nothing. I reminded her of our last ride together in her car,and how she rammed me with "I want you to feel like shit, cuz that's what you are" scenario. Like a ride to Makwan from here is 2 hours, and imagine someone like her with no heart pounding you and pounding you for 2 hours all the way home. I cried for 2 hours that day. When we finally got home I found out that she had been boosting clothes from the mall, while I was with her.And we had the hugest fight ever. I was so beat down that I overdosed on all of my meds. I bet I took something like 30-50 pills.
..Anyways... I really let her know how haertless she really is and why she is what everyone calls her. Needless to say, I eventually left about 10:30 pm and came home. I sat here for a bit last night wanting to update and then someone triggered an anger spot in me and I was just pissy all over again.
** sighs **
And, Friday I cursed out my doctor for calling me a bad mom. That wasn't pretty Now I have to go to Anger Management classes lol Oh well...
Maybe it's for the best.. who knows. At least I won't yell at my kids anymore. I don't like to yell, besides it gives me a bad headache lol
After my session was over I called Andi at the courthouse to give me a ride home..
that didn't go well, either. She tried to strike up converstaion with me, I just didn't wanna talk to her. As much as I love that girl, I just couldn't get passed how she'd been treating me. Honestly.. this our conversation on the way home...
I was sitting in the front foyer of the building waiting for her and I was pretty worn out so I was falling asleep, and then I heard her beep the horn. I go out and get in the car and she says "Hurry up I gotta be somewhere. Todd is waiting for me. One of his waitresses called in or something and he needs my help" and I was like "Okay" I didn't say anything else. Then she was talking about her hair as if I really cared about Todd getting her some big whooptee doo hair stylist in the mall.
(I felt like a real bytch)
Then she asked me if I wanted a cigarette and I simply replied "no" and she said did you quit and I said no again.Then it was like dead silence for prolly 10 minutes and then she asked me how therapy went and I said "Crappy, as usual" and she said "the norm hunh?" And I said yeah and then she asked me how to get home.. and I was like wtf? You know where I live! It just irritated me is all. And then she asked me what I have been up to lately and I said not much I sent you an e-mail and she asked me to which addy I sent it to ..err duh Andi you only have one! And so I give her the directions to Lois' place and she asked me why I was going there and I said cuz my laundry is there.And she didn't say nothing. So she takes me to Lois' and I got out and we didn't even say goodbye to each other.
I go inside and Lois wasn't there..
Thank god... I just broke down and cried..
Lately it just feels like I'm losing the people closest to me. I don't know what to do. Do I just sit back and let it go, or do I get the nerve to talk to them to find out what's going on? I dunno anymore. I think everyone is dropping me cuz I'm not a good friend, or something. Maybe I'm a third wheel or something. I know how some people just hate that...
Anyway I'm home alone today. I left Lois' last night to come home and get my meds and I got online and was gonna do an update, got pissed off and went to sleep. Now I'm sitting here listening to Rob Zombie...Never gonna stop..I need some good jams to keep me up and keep me from letting myself get down...
"Scream if you want it...cuz I want more...Scream if you want it...cuz I want more!!"
Ohh yeah Pink Floyd....On the turning away....reminds me of Paiger one sec and I will get the lyrics
ON THE TURNING AWAY..

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in The turning away
It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all alone
In the dream of the proud
On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
Mesmerised as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be No more turning away?

This song has soo much meaning to it; if you take the time to read it, and undertsand it. Downlaod it and listen to it....
Pray for Paigeee as she goes thru a methamorphisis of changings...
She reminds me of a butterfly.. yes, she does. Beauty being held within a cacoon of mockness..waiting to break free to reveal the beauty she has been molding into, and yet waiting so long to break free and fly away... that's our Paige. Most defintely. =D
Inside I know how she must be fighting with soo many things, and yet not being able to find any solitude in any answers. It can make a person go crazy after a while. Believe me.. there are some people who know exactly what I'm talking about. And, if you're reading this you know who you are.
Well, I must go and pray for Paigee now. I hope things are okay with her inside herself and out.

We all love you Paigeee!!! And we all miss you!!..

:'( ..Wish you were here..
Much love to Paigeee..
Always.....
-Raven-

preventry nextentry