(Bad day again}
{2003-02-07} {3:42 p.m.}
Today ended up being pretty disappointing, and crappy all around so far.I wonder how my evening is going to turn out...
I had a run-in with the truency officer this morning. Lost my temper and cussed her out.... :( She was soo pissing me off, telling me that I have bad parenting skills, and that I don't get my kids off to school. Excuse me?? Heather has missed a ooo whole whopping 12 days and she comes over here to tell me that I may get arrested for Heather being excessivly truent at school. And, then proceeded to threaten me about Jamie, too. I snapped.. I really really did. I said.."Pardon my language; but this is bullshyt! You come here and tell me this, after Samantha has missed 32 days?!" And, she said "Well, I have to do my job" and continued on with her more than usual boring crap. And, I then said to her "Am I going to get arrested for this?" and she said... "Maybe. I dunno. I only asked them to give you a ticket" And, I said "If I get arrested I am going to be pissed off, lady" and then I proceeded to cuzz her out. I ended up telling her to F off and get out of my house. 12 days!? Please! I can understand 32, but I can't with 12. I am so sick of this crap! I don't know how much more of this I can take... I'm gonna snap again. I wish I could fill out papers for harrassment against these people interuppting my life. I hate it, hate it, hate it! I can't even take a piss without someone knowing it. I have absolutely NO privacy... :(
My temper is getting out of control, too. I get mad at so many kids coming over here. My house is not a campground for kids to smoke pot or whatever. I can't stop smoking...I have gotten into the bad habit of drinking beers, too. I am soo disappointed in myself anymore these days. Seems like no matter how hard I try, everything I do turns to shit. Nothing meets anyones criteria for doing good.. all I hear is "That's not good enough. You can do better" I do try to do my best, and it isn't good enough. Not once in 6 months have I heard from these people that I have done something good. Where's my praise? Am I not worthy of any? I say great things about everyone, and do nice things for people; but, I get shit in return.
I was soo friggin upset this morning, I had to talk to Andi. I called her at work, and she came at noon and picked me up. I was gone til about 30 minutes ago. I was doing so good, too. Before I came home I stopped by the resturant where I used to work and talked to Debbie... man, she's such a bytch. I asked her if I needed to fill out a new application and she told me no, and that she wasn't going to hire me. I hate her! I was promised my job back. That woman is so prejudiced towards people, it's maddening. So, I pretty much left to come home in a pissy mood.
Why is it so hard for me to get a job? Do I not look like the working type of person? Am I too ugly? Too fat? I am not a lazy worker! I do my job well. I am a very hard worker... I just wished that other people could see that in me. It's soo depressing anymore.I'm getting to where I hate myself, again. And, I know that's not a good thing. I haven't seen my psychiatrist in almost 2 months, nor have I seen my therapist. I need help!!
I went and saw Ben this afternoon.. he was a big ass jerk, too. What is it? Shit on Chrissy week, or something?! I am so sick of it all. I just wanna run away somewhere, to some place that no one knows anything about me and just start my life over.
The court thing happens this month, too. Soo not looking forawrd to that! :'( I just know I'm not going to be able to make it. I can feel this overwhelming feeling of defeat washing over me. How is it that I can be there for others, but no one can be here for me? I'm not trying to sound selfish, really. I just need someone to comfort me, instead of bashing me. I try to talk to people on the net, but it feels like all I get is the brush-off.
Can I give up now and run away? I want to like something fierce.
I miss Andi,too...
Since she's met Todd, she's been so different. I mean, yeah I'm happy that she's got someone in her life now; but, does she have to ditch me all of the time? I feel like I have some kind of contagious disease, or something.
My kids don't listen to me, constantly they fight and argue... why is my life falling apart already? I just started over only a month ago. How can it all be going down hill so fast. What am I doing wrong? My kids are always lieing to me, and doing the wrong things. Going behind my back after I ground them, doing what only they want. They don't seem to realize that I am the parent, and they are the child. Why is it soo difficult for them to listen?
Inside I constantly fight with my emotions cuz I don't want to get myself down, telling myself that I am a bad mother. It's obvious that I can't do anything right, anymore.My caseworker thinks I'm into drugs now, and I'm not. She doesn't understand how hard it is for me to singely raise 4 kids by myself. Where's the compassion, the consideration? Do people not care anymore? Cuz from where I'm sitting I don't see it. I'm sure that I have bored you enough with all of this petty nonsense. Sorry. Am going now... even though I have nowhere to go...
Maybe I will ... nevermind...bad thoughts running thru my head again.
This isn't good..
I'm not worthy of people caring for me.
I don't deserve anything, but yet I still get some great advice... but I don't go by it, or use it to my advantage. I'm on a roll of cursing myself..
Well, I'm out...peace.
-Peedy-
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