Don't speak. Let me in.

(Obsession, Sadness, and Apathy-}
{2002-09-26} {12:15 p.m.}

Wow.. what a day yesterday. Stupid DCFS workers, therapists and their crazy psychoanalysis bullshyt. I had to go to see my psychiatrist but I didn't get to see her. I had a first time analaysis to see if I was actaully "crazy" I guess. Well, I qualify to be bi polar. Remember I told you I was! Bah! There's no need to test my heart. I know what is wrong with me. I'm just depressed alot. I'm not extremely happy one moment and then dramatically sad the next. It's bogus! And I sure as hell don't think about suicide 24/7!

But, now I get to take medication..Trazodone.. ehh lucky me. Starting out at 150mg moving up to 300mg in less than 3 weeks. I don't want to take pills to be happy.. I just wanna be the old me.

Ummm what else happened yesterday oh yeah Lois the bitch ex friend/landlord told her ex boyfriend about my girls. Damn her! I know she will never change and this is going to go on forever. She gives me the hugest feeling of despair.

I hate her I really really REALLY HATE HER!! She's a pyschohoseabeast!

I was supposed to get my cell phone today but noo stupid bytches didn't have it ugh! I can't stand unorganized people. It really irritates the hell outta me.

I miss talking to Brandi **sighs**

She was so great.

Umm what else oh Umm Shauna emptied out a whole chat room on Winmx to talk to me today I felt so special. She was really sweet to me. She said she was worried about me :( She told me she was going to call me the next time I don't eat. Uh oh lol

Uum what else ummm there's alot but I can't remember or I just don't wanna remember. Sometimes I purposely block things out.. not good hunh? Oh well, it's where I am at right now. I will get better ..I'm sure. At least I hope so anyways...

I found this song last night that was kinda sad and made me cry Its called Heaven 911 remix by DJ Sammy It has a little girl talking to her daddy and has Sammy singing the song Heaven... a real tear jerker **sniff**

here are the words of the little girl talking to her daddy...

"It's been a year Daddy.. I really really miss you...Mommy says you're safe now.In a beautiful place called Heaven... We had your favorite dinner tonight. I ate it all up! Even tho I don't like carrots.. I learned how to swim this summer I can even open my eyes when I'm under water...Can't you see me?...I started kindergarten this year..I carry a picture of us in my Blues Clues lunch box... you are the greatest daddy... I can swing on the swing by myself...even tho I miss you pushing me...Can't you see me?... I miss how you used to tickle me... Tickle my belly...my belly hurts..I try not to cry..Mommy says it's okay... I know you don't like it when I cry I never mean to be sad..I try Daddy but it hurts.. Is it true you're not coming home? Maybe some day..I can visit you in Heaven okay?...It's time for me to go to bed now.. I sleep with the light on Just in case you come home and kiss me Good night..I love you soo much I miss you Daddy" I still cry when I listen to that song... **Tears**

Well, I really must go now I'm crying again -Scnoodles-

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I may ended up where I intended to be"

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