Don't speak. Let me in.

(Waiting in the fire...}
{2002-09-27} {1:49 p.m.}

This nightmare won't let me go. I still have it and still think about it everyday. **sighs** Well, I wrote this to my best friend after I woke from this nightmare.. It will explain alot about me to you.. I guess. But umm yeah whatever is how I feel.. my heart is heavy and I feel so unlucky in life. Still wishing things were so different for me.**Crying**
Well I must go now.. You can read my letter now and my poem about my nightmare.. Tata.

No no no no no!!! Oh my god What a horrible nightmare I just want to scream. But I can't So I have tears rolling down my face instead. What would in the world in a million years would make me go back to that? Why Why now? Oh god I can't take it I feel like I have just been vandalized. And I feel so dirty I can't get it out of my head. It seems like I was right back there and a little girl all over again. It felt so real and I know it wasn't. Oh god I can't do this I am so scared and nervous I don't know what to do I'm hoping that I can talk to you and it will eventually fade away. But it was so bad So so bad

I was there... I was back at that dirty trailer park and now I feel so creepy. I just cant imagine what would make me dream about that Why do I feel like the bad person here? I am so sick to my stomach from this I think I'm really gonna be sick I'll brb

I just have to get myself together and breathe. I am going to be ok I've got to give myself a moment here to recollect myself and just try and relax

So I will be right back ok?

Promise me you'll be right here when I get back?

Ok I'm back And I'm very serious when I say this It's a really good thing it's so early in the morning Because I really would have called you; this I just can't handle hun

I need help I have the shakes and feel weak and really light headed

Tell me again why I feel like the bad person here. I didn't commit a crime but I know I have been violated. It was so so real I have never wanted to relive that in a hundred years I don't know why I would dream about it I feel so dirty and like I'm the perv here. I mean I know that I didn't do anything wrong here but it was so real So fucking unimaginable real! I felt him I felt everything It was really bad. I refuse to call Lois and I will NOT tell Ben about this I can't I just can't I don't want her help I want yours

I think I need some Prozac Ben just wouldn't understand. He didn't understand when I told him 15 years ago. I feel like I'm gonna be permanently scared for life. I have been doing so well I haven't thought about this for such a long time. I have everything in the right perspective I know this isn't my fault and it never was I think. I just need some time to readjust

What a nightmare. Breathe in, Breathe out. Just be calm Chris I know I can do this. I'm afraid to try and fall right back to sleep I don't want to pick up from where I left off

Ok I have to talk about something else That's the only thing that's gonna make this go away Sometimes I wish I had doors in my head So that I could lock up all of the bad memories and they could never reoccur or come back

Once they're locked up it's for good But of course I know that isn't rational thinking but it doesn't make me crazy either, I hope ok I think I'm gonna be ok now I'm starting to come down But I still feel like I want to cry But I can't let this control me and win I am much stronger than this It was just a dream I can beat this

Ok convince me I'm ready what am I supposed to do now? I can't call you and I can't talk to you what am I supposed to do now? Force myself to go back to bed? I feel nasty just thinking about that I don't think that I'm normal anymore and I'm sorry that I wrote this to you I'm sure this is the topper for your day What a shitty person I am. I am so sorry for ruining your Easter

Please please forgive me I am so sorry Please don't hate me Shit I'm gonna cry now Not because of the dream but because of what I've done to you now

Well I just don't know what else to say And I know you hate it when I apologize so much But I can't help it

It's just apart of me And I don't think it's a trait that Ishould lose. It's what makes me unique like you say At least I know that I can apologize for my mistakes even if I am wrong, or not But I won't say I'm sorry again I just won't talk about the dream anymore

But I will say thank you for being here for me I know you always will

You did tell me if I wanted to talk to you that you would always be here And that you would help me Well I don't know if I'm exactly asking for help here But I know for sure that I needed you And like always you were here Thanks so much. I know you probably don't want to hear it But you really are my rock You give me a firm place to stand and keep my feet planted on the ground

You keep me steady and keep from going too far You always know just what to say You really do keep me from falling apart and losing my mind ...even though I know most of it is already gone Well I am a little better now. I'm far from perfect; but better. I will not do this to you again This is a horrible burden to put on you And I do regret it And I guess I lied when I said I wasn't going to say I was sorry again But I really am

Thanks for being here for me You do wonders for me

Luv yah tho

Jellybean

- -

preventry nextentry