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(Visions}
{2002-09-21} {9:47 a.m.}
Well, I started writing this earlier and lost the whole damn page err! So, I don’t remember what I was talking about. So, I guess I will start back about Thursday and my therapy session. Me and the girls went to Cambridge, and we met this lady named Kelly She was actually very nice But she said I talk to much lol Oh well what can I say? I had a lot to talk about. .Me and my problems…ehh… I talked about many, many things. I talked about my nightmares and my depression oh yay! I was a lil’ sad when we left. I don’t know why. I thought that after I released some of my pain, and anxieties things would have been a little less stressful for me. But, I guess I was mistaken. I still feel helpless when it comes to expressing myself. I still don’t talk about certain things. I know I should But, I really can’t. I don’t feel loved I guess. Samantha is angry at the world and me I think. She is being so rebellious. Curses a lot and wants to smoke cigarettes now. That hurts. Hmm Oh well. Steve still calls me a whore and a bitch. I haven’t been on the net in about 4 days now. Trying to spend more time with the kids. It’s hard to be everything for everyone all at once, especially when I can’t be there for myself. If you could only see the way I feel, maybe you would understand. People tell me they love me, but I don’t know. I feel like something is missing. But then there are others and their manipulations cut me down. It hurts me more than they know. Even tho I haven’t been online, I am sure no one has noticed me being gone at all. ** Sighs **
I want to move from this hell hole. Illinois sux… I hate it here more than my own life. It’s a wild world out there. So many possibilities for everyone, but me. There’s a lot bad everywhere. I feel like my life has been wasted. I haven’t gained anything, and it’s breaking my heart in two. I never smile, or laugh anymore. Someone told me a long time ago to remember the lil’ girl that I used to be, and to remember the happy times that were there and to try and be that lil’ girl again. But, I don’t remember any happy moments when I was a lil’ girl. All I can see is the hurt and pain I went thru. All of my feelings are so deep inside. I just want to make it all go away.
The other night Ben and I got into another fight… so sad. He said he’s pissed cuz I won’t tell him about my problems but I can’t cuz see like he “IS” my problem so yeah how can I talk to him about him? I have tried like a hundred times before and he just won’t listen to me he sux! If he would just open up his eyes maybe things would/could actually work between the two of us. I want him to lose his temper and learn how be nicer to me and the kids. More for the kids; than myself. That’s what starts almost all of our fights anyways. He told me if I didn’t like his rules I could get f out lol! Like as if! That will never happen He doesn’t even has the slightest clue as to what I have been planning to do in the last few months. I just want him to let me go. I have already let him go, and we still live in the same house. I don’t think it could be any sadder than that. Once a long time ago he was a nice person, but I dunno last year... something in him snapped and he has been crazy ever since. I know that 15 years is a long time to be together and it is also a lot to throw away. But, guess what... it wasn’t me that walked away. It was him. The day that he hit me it was over for us. And, I won’t let him hit the kids (what he calls punishing... Ha! Whatever!) Well, Sammi wants me to go and watch a movie with them So, I guess I shall go. I do love my kids... with all of my heart and soul. I am trying to do a lot better than I have been. I miss my friends and I miss my kids too. But, I know deep down I need to put my priorities where they belong. Kids first, me last. I hope that they will start to see the difference I am trying to make. I hope it’s not too late to make that difference. Well, peeps I love you all and I miss talking to every single one of you. But, I must do what I must do. Lots of love...schnoodles.