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diaryland
(Some days you gotta dance}
{2002-09-18} {1:31 p.m.}
**Shock** Holy **Shock**
Hmmm… well I left about 11:30 yesterday. Had to go with the person I didn't like... naturally.:( She's as big as a house and smells like chicken fat! Err! (That wasn't very nice, but mehh oh well) So, I ended up waiting for her for about 20 minutes…ehh.. Finally, we leave at 12 to go to Rock Island, and the woman drove as slow as a snail. I bet old people diddle faster than she drives. But, umm yeah, the ride there was okay til it hit me why we were going, where we were going. Then all of a sudden sadness over took me (Again) I just closed myself off to everything. Thoughts were poppin' up in my head. Anything and everything I imagined was the worst. I even had begun to prepare myself for the worst. I was just "silent". I didn't talk to Heather, or the chicken fat lady (even as if I wanted to After a while I drifted off to a nowhere land and started thinking about the things that Ella, Gayle, Laura, Nikki and Andi told me. The inspiring words they told me. Especially Ella and Gayle yesterday morning before I left. I kept running the words over in my mind, until I was calm again.(Even tho on the inside I was shaking like a leaf I couldn't let Heather see me) After a long while of silence and staring at the things on the side of the highway I saw the exit for Chicago and I instantly thought of Paige.. err.. not meaning that as a bad thing but umm yeah I remembered the things she said to me, and I was like ugh! I didn't want to think about that and how she called me a stalker on AOL. But, that's when I left and took off to go out with Andi. Sammi stayed online and talked to her. And, hunh, the things Sammi told me later was…well...enough to make me cry. I never realized how much Paige hated me. Oh well... life... I guess. It suckz that all I can say...Especially mine... Anyways, sadly enough I deleted her from my AOL and MSN I didn't block her. I just have to promise myself that I won't mess with her again. I just don't know where she got the idea that I was stalking her or her friends. Like I know them Ugh fuccin ugh! Oh well, I guess.. Anyways, back to Heather...Her appointment was at 1:00 and it was 1:15 The stupid woman got us lost and we ended up in Bettendorf, Iowa!! She just kept driving around totally irritating the shyt out of me and she finally pulled into a Mickey D's and got directions to where we had to go. Even still, she didn't figure it out. By the time "I" figured it out we were 45 minutes late for her appointment. I was so pissed off I just wanted to yell at that heifer; but, I didn't. I had to be strong for Heather. Finally, we to the Dr's office and they agreed to see her. They asked me for my medical insurance and I was like what? hunh? why? And, the nurse told me I had to pay and then I got pissed again cuz Social Services told me they were paying for everything...LIARS!! Needless to say I was twicely irritated now. Then I had to fill out hellarous paperwork. Ehh! Finally, someone called for Heather and we went into a room where a pre-op nurse asked me tuns of questions as to why we were there. It took me forever to answer, cuz it was too much for me. I just didn't want to go there. Somehow I made it thru and then it was just me and Heather. She was sitting on my lap and I was hugging her and we were just talking girl talk and I told her I loved her and she said that I don't act like it sometimes and I started crying and she started crying too and she took her hands and put them on my face and looked at me with her lil' innocent face and told me this: Mommy I LOVE YOU! I love you soo much. A lot doesn't cover how much I love you but its alot. But I love you more than that. Please don't cry anymore. Be happy and not be sad cuz you need us cuz we can make you happy. You just never spend enough time with us and I know why you're sad but plz don’t be sad anymore; be happy and be happy I am here and that I am okay. We can't go back and think about what happened then. We have to think about now, and be happy. Mommy plz don't…don't think about that evil man anymore. Okay?" I cried even harder then. Cuz I knew she was right. I just needed to let it go and move on. After about 20 minutes the nurse came in and checked Heather and all that jazz and did what they had to do. I couldn't watch so I didn't. Afterwards the nurse left and Heather got dressed. She came back and said that she looked okay and told me some other things. No scar tissue or anything like that. But, she said that w/e could have been there before could have healed by now not leaving anything. I'm relieved, but also still a little sad. Sad cuz it never should have happened in the first place, and for other reasons I will not take the liberty to specify on. Now all that's left is therapy... oh joy! I'm kind of looking forward to it and then I'm kind of not. I don't wanna go there again. I just wanna leave it all in the past. We'll see after Thursday, I guess. I know that Sammi n Heather need therapy tho. I just don't want to, cuz it feels creepy and I will feel like a lil' child again. I'm tired and don't wanna fight anymore. Anyways, yeah... That was my day yesterday. All summed up in a nut shell lol.. Some days you gotta dance...