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(Nightmares}
{2002-09-08} {12:07 a.m.}
Well, it's about 4:30 a.m and once again I can't sleep. I can't take the nightmares anymore. They are draining me. I want to be strong for myself, and my kids. But for some reason "it" just won't let me. It has such a hold on me that I can't shake it if even for 2 hours of sleep. The dreams are getting old and are making me old. Nightmares... tears... Maybe if I'm lucky the pain will over take me and I will die from a broken heart in my sleep. Pissh I could only be so lucky. Ehhh..
Sometimes when I lay in bed at night I just lay there and stare at the wall.. not wanting to think of anything because I know what's going to come. I pray for something to save me, but no one can hear my silent shouts into the night So I just lay there waiting for tears to come and cry myself to sleep. Nightmares.. bleh Something strange is taking over my life and I have yet to figure out what it is. People say things happen for a reason Well, I don't know what the reasons are for me to be having horrible dreams every night. It's not normal.. it's unhealhty and with that unhealthiness comes my not sleeping, and not eating. I haven't eaten in like 2 weeks. I look sickly. Just like I did when I tried to kill myself last February. I have stories written for just about every bad thing that has taken place in my life. (I had to release the pain somewhere) I have a story I even wrote about when I was 5 until I was 8. I'm not saying no one else has a bad life. I'm just saying .. I don't know what I'm saying..never mind. I hate being incoherent. Bah!
Maybe someday I will put in an entry or 2 of my story. People will know soo much about me by then. Sometimes, I get so scared of what people will think when they read about my life. Some are so quick to judge. Ahh well.. life. and what a shytty one I am having right now. I hope I get well soon.
Well, now I get to say good-bye and go find yet another thrilling poem to go with my sad azz entry ..ehh Oh joy. So much happiness in my life.. not!
I still miss Paigee.