index
older
profile
book
notes
cast
Links
Rings
Reviews
render
diaryland
(Devastated}
{2002-08-22} {11:43 a.m.}
I don't want to go into any great depth of writing anything in here today so I will just post the email in here that I sent to Paigee.. **sighs**
Hey Paigee..
I just wanted to tell you all about everything since last Thursday, okay? I know that it seems unreal for one person to have so much drama in their life, but yeah that's me.. I miss your company in my hardest moments. I feel so stupid and self lacking. I have turned into a failure...Anyway, on with the drama...
Last Thursday I had a horrendous headache cuz I have a concussion and I had been having problems for months with my head hurting.. so many headaches the pain had been awful that day so I laid down about 230 and then at 330 I was awaken by Ben telling me I needed to be in the living room because the police were here, and that it was important. I get up and walk into the living room and there were 2 men 1 officer and a guy from Social Services..
We talked for a lil bit about this guy that used to babysit for me ..stupid me not realizing what it meant at all; and then Officer Schwartz asked to see some pictures of the kids and I got them and showed 1 picture of each of the kids and showed him and when I got to Heather and Jamie he got up and left and came back with a huge yellow envelope filled with photos.. all of Jamie and Heather and 2 of Sammi. The pictures were soo bad.. He only showed me one and that was a pic of Heather age 3 and Jamie age 2 together (forced to have sex togther) I cried my eyes out and my heart instantly broke in two. It was like living my childhood all over again... I cried and cried I just couldn't believe it.Finally after some time I demanded to see the rest of the photos.. I wanted to see, in my heart I knew I had to but my mind was telling me not to. I looked at about 100 photos all of them just horrible. He had singled out Heather.. she was his chosen one.. In one of the photos it showed Heather and Jamie with their privates exposed with just shirts on with Jamies private inside of hers with this hand in the picture touching Heather with his hands and it had his finger inside of her too. Everytime I think about that picture I just want to die..
They took down somemore information from Ben and stuff cuz I couldn't handle it. It was too much for me. They left and I came into my room and I cried my eyes out all the while dieing inside and feeling my heart break into a million pieces. How was I going to be able to tell the kids what had happened to them? I eventually ended up crying myself to sleep. When I woke up it was almost 9 pm..
I get up and just sit here and let it all sink in.. I was broken beyond repair.. I feel that I can't come out this time.
I was relieved to find out that Ben told them while I was sleeping, I just know I wouldn't have been able to. I don't know how my night ended or if I even went back to bed that night. I just sat here and stared at the computer for the longest time waiting... and waiting..for something. I didn't realise what I was waiting for til Friday When I knew I had to talk to you..I am sorry that I tell you all of my life's burdens, it must be hard on you..
I don't know much about Friday I know we had a meeting at the DCFS office at 10 am... the rest of the day is a blur...Saturday was another bad day Lois came over and told me Adrain sent her over to find out what was going on and I instantly went into a scene of rage and went off on her. I told her to get the fuck out and leave me alone and I just broke down and cried Why can't she leave me alone?
Later Saturday evening Heather tells me that Lois took her some where in Peoria to steal clothes I was soo mad Paigee I didn't even give myself enough time to think I went over to Lois' and drug her outside and cussed her out in front of everyone. And then as I turned around to leave she reached for me and I hit her. I said to her how dare you tell me that my daughter is a liar? and I said if you believe that then why don't you come upstairs and tell that to Heather's face. And she did.. she came right up here and starting yelling at Heather and Heather was crying and Lois demanded that I make her say something and I said nope, I won't and then I just told Heather to go and lay down in her room. And then I bore into Lois like no tomorrow I told her she was a liar and I didn't want to be asscoiated with any part of her and she said for me to just move the hell out of her apartment and that she didn't want to have anything to do with us and as she turned to go she said I have never stolen a thing in my life and I was laughing so hard cus I knew that was a lie!!
She left crying and I didn't see her for a long time.
Tuesday was the worst day the worst day of my life...
I had to go with Sammi and Heather to the police station for a video thingy, remember?
Sammi was okay and so was Heather but I had to sit there and listen to their stories and the words they had to use to describe their fear.. it was just gut wrenching..Well, my day started out pretty crappy.. I woke up at 12 30 am this morning and got online and was told to leave a certain person alone and all that jazz..
I then found out a few things about Lois and what not (not surprised) and he talked to me about that guy and we talked for about 30 minutes or so.. then he went and got Sammi and I had to listen to everything they said (Sam n Heather, that is)
Sammi told him some things I didn't know about.. what a bad mother I am.. and I started to get the shakes and he let Sammi go back out to his desk to color and brought Heather in and that's when it got to be too much for me to bare I starting shaking really bad and tears started to form in my eyes But I tried really hard to be strong for Heather.. I did good until she told him about him touching her with his privates with hers and I was freaking out and my insides were breaking I just couldn't stand to hear it and to know how much she suffered through for all these years and I never knew... I really am a pathetic mom.. A true mother would have known at first glance... after Heather left the room I let myself go and cried forever I never have cried soo much in my life as I have in the last 2 days.
Heather sat there beside me crying telling her story and I was crying so hard she told the most horrible gruesome story I ever heard.. I am going to tell it to you..
and then you can see why it's all I see when I am awake, eating and sleeping..
we were sitting in this tiny cold room where I felt closed in and couldn't get out I felt trapped, there was no way of getting out without having to hear what she had to say and I knew it was going to be bad the minute he asked her to tell him what he did to her.. this is Heather's story..
He said to her do you what I mean when I say the word penis? And she says yes And he then asked her if her ever touched a part of her body with his___ and she said yes and I just felt myself give in to the hurt and then he asked her on what part of her body did he touch and she said her privates and he then asked her to point to the parts of her body that he touched her and she touched the parts of her body that he touched her and then he said has he ever made you do anything else and she said yes and he asked what it was and she said he put his private in her mouth and then he said did he put his private in any other part of your body and she said yes and he asked her where and she said her private and I just lost it when she had to describe the pain and how much it hurt and how many times he did it to her. Omg it's just too much After that I didn't hear any more cuz I tuned it out..
He told me not to beat myself up about this and I told him it was already too late for that and I told him about my past childhood and how hard it was effecting me He was very nice and told me I didn't have anything to worry about and whatever I needed help with, within reason they could help.I told him I wanted to go to therapy and he said okay to that and I talked to him about my eviction notice and he said Social Services has a special program for families for victims of crime and that they could help us find a place and then he said his thank you's and goodbyes and he brought us home and I was here for awhile crying so bad I thought I was going to have a heart attack It just hurts so bad .. all of this pain I am carrying inside and putting on a facade for my kids I hate it I feel like such a fake..
and then yesterday I had to go back to DCFS and I was told that Heather has scar tissue and damage done to her insides and that she might have to have surgery...what else can I hear?
Tuesday night I broke down and had such an emotional problem I just wanted to die.. I didn't do anything to myself and I was hurt cuz I couldn't talk to you
I hate it that I can't talk to you like I used to be able to and I hate it even more that I don't have a phone
I know and understand that you are busy
I miss you soo much..**sighs**
Well, I don't know what else to tell you I am not going to sit here and tell you how depressed I am I know that you already know how much I hurt..
Well, honey I have managed to depress myself even more than when I started I am going to go
I LOVE YOU!
always,
Chrissy
I can never remember a day in my life to where I actually felt death take over my whole being.. I'm gonna end up having a neverous breakdown and killing myself. Bah! No one would miss me anyways..
**crying**